Don't stop believing...

As I got in the car to head home, the sky is beautiful, the air temp is perfect and the radio starts playing, "Don't stop believing... hold on to that feeling....." This is GOING to be the month I start back running.

The doctor's office is just a block away from the course of my favorite race (that is run tomorrow). I am broken hearted. The weather, everything.. why am I not able to run? I had my first PT appointment.. a new phase in my recovery. They said I can run ONE mile today. Seems silly to get my clothes dirty for one mile, but I'll take it. My leg is still swollen from my adventures this weekend and with that being said, I wasn't sure I'd even get a green light for a mile.

I know part of me has shut down because of the loss of my running - sounds weird to word it that way, but that is what it is. It is a loss.. my escape, something that makes me feel good, something I do well that makes me proud of myself and my body, something that gives me laughter and fun. It was taken from me. I suppose I have shut down about it as people don't realize I am still out, that even though I'm coaching a marathon group - but on my bike, watching them take the steps that I should be taking. That even though I may jog with a friend for a few miles because it is something so important (in memory of her Mother) that I actually can't run. A friend said, "but you 'can' run".. what is meant by that.. that I can run out of the street if necessary, that I can run 3 miles but will pay big time for it (my leg still swollen a week later) or that I'm a faker?? That I 'can' run (as there was emphasis put on this word) and that I just haven't gotten myself back in shape.. Oh this isn't a choice. The words cut and I just kept my head up, I didn't ask for clarification, just mumbled something about that I actually can't and walked away. I tried to stop thinking about the hurtful words and tell myself they were probably not meant to hurt and moved on with my thoughts. Today's appointment was a clear reminder that I can not just go for a run.. not if I want to get better and run Boston. There was a lot of time spent looking at swelling from 6 days ago. If a kid is in the road and a car is coming, I could probably beat Michael Johnson or Jeremy Wariner to the middle of the street to grab that kid.. but that doesn't mean I "can" run workouts. That I "can" run races. That I "can" begin my training to prep me for my Boston Marathon training plan. I have other people I know that have forgotten that I'm not running and just figure they haven't been at the same races. The only way to deal with this for me is to not think about it much and wrap it up in a few words of, "no, I can't run yet, hopefully soon though" - said quickly and without thought so I don't have to think of what the words mean and how they sting. I don't compare my injury to anyone else's (except my college one that I know this is WAY better - I will NOT be out for 10 years wearing a wood shoe as I take a golf cart to my classes at Arizona State). Everyone is different, everyone has different injuries, diagnosis's, recovery times as we all have different bodies. Mine is not better or worse than anyone.. it is just a really long time to be out and should not be discounted. I try to remind myself that I have trouble with humidity and missing this heat is not the worst thing in the world. I'm ready for it to be enough. I'm ready to not even have someone question if I'm injured or not.. because I want to be out there.. running... I want this to be over.

Today I started a new phase in my recovery. I had my first Physical Therapy appointment! I've had chiropractic, exercises, ultrasound, stem, alternative training, acupuncture, deep tissue massage, cortisone shots. Now it is time for physical therapy and another try at the Alter-G. I tried running on the Alter-G when I first got injured, but even removing most of the gravity, I was in pain. If my leg touched the treadmill, my eyes watered and my jaw and fists clinched. This time will be different, it just has to be!! A lot of testing was done on me today. I have a lot of homework. Different homework than before - this time I get to do more with my leg!!!! In just a little bit, I am about to go out for a ONE MILE RUN!! I have 8 exercises 2 x a day, self massage to the lower leg 2 x a day and a 1 mile run!!

I may not be able to run my race, but the air is amazing (other than the allergies, damn asthma) awesome temp, cool breeze... it is the perfect day to run, and guess what... I get to run!!!!

OCTOBER WILL BE MY RECOVERY MONTH!!! Don't stop believing! :)